You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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