He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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