I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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