guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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