Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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