david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
