First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
