I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
