so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
