I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
