I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
