Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
