Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
