Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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