If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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