I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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