The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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