It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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