I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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