I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
