You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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