I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
