omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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