??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
