just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
