Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
