and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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