I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
