Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's just like the Real World with babies
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
