is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
