i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
