you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
why is half of my head shaved?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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