We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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