i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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