the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
