8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
