Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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