I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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