Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
