i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
