I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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