So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
