i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
