the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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