Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize