I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
did i just pee glitter
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
