i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
