Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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