today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
