What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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