I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
