i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
