i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
