If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
