whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
