He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize