I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
