dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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