My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
