does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
