omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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