so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
